Being Supportive and Active Listening

On March 27th, we discussed how to be supportive and active listening. In this post, we will review the key points from our meeting.

Now, I want to clarify, we are not a support group. I’m not presenting this topic expecting you to go out and look for situations in which you are put in crisis situation. I do; however, want you to be prepared for the eventuality for when people, friends, family, peers, will approach you with some difficult topics. I want you to feel empowered.

You can expect, as you become more and more of a mental health advocate, more people will want to share their stories and open up to you. Some things you can expect (as much as you can from an unpredictable situation) are:

1. Expect to be emotional--These are sensitive topics and can often cause stirrings of emotion in you, that’s totally normal!

3. Expect to feel frustrated. -- It can be very frustrating to feel helpless in a situation that desperately needs “fixing” understand that it’s not your job to “fix it,” but rather, be a sounding board, or just a crutch.

4. Expect to want to walk away.-- Sometimes, these situations can engage our “fight, flight, or freeze” response, especially when you don’t know how to respond. We are here to help guide you in a way that you feel empowered to stick it out so you can be your ideal friend. But of course, always know your limits and boundaries and stand by them! Never compromise them for the “good” of another person.

5. Expect to refer more than once.-- It can become upsetting to realize that a friend needs help and them not heed your advice. It seems simple, doesn’t it? Well expect to have to encourage them multiple times to seek intervention. If you are comfortable, offer to go with them to their first meeting and wait with them, or wait for them through the whole appointment. Or offer to introduce them to the fine folks at Student Services like Carole Barr who IS trained to handle these situations.

6. Expect awkwardness.-- We don’t expect you to be an expert, nor does your friend. There is going to be some uncomfortableness accompanied by these conversations.

7. Expect irritability. -- Sometimes it can take every ounce of courage someone has to speak up about their struggles. From my own experience, I can tell you it’s a terrible battle in my mind to get every word out about my suicidal ideation when I sought help. I was fighting between giving into my mind and keeping it to myself, and seeking the help I need but didn’t want at the time. So any little thing would set me off. I’m already expending so much energy internally that I literally had no more tolerance externally. Now, this is not an excuse for anyone to lash out and be hurtful. No matter what frame of mind you are in, you are still responsible for your words and actions. Hold whomever you may encounter to the same standard.

I want to stress, this is not the protocol for handling a crisis situation. If you feel the person you are speaking to is an immediate danger to themselves or other persons, seek professional help! Contact your RA. Contact a crisis hotline, call 9-1-1. Do whatever it takes to get this person in professional hands because you are not a professional, nor are you expected to act as one.

So, with that, let’s start with Active Listening. What do you think it means to be an active listener? [write answers on board]

Remember when your high school teacher would ask a question in class and no one immediately volunteered to answer? And then the awkward silence that followed until someone finally raised their hand to take a guess? That's essentially what you're doing here—just in a friendlier way.

Nothing invites a friend to talk more than closing your mouth. It’s going to feel uncomfortable, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. If you find it hard to shut up and not just try to solve their problem, Consider doing something side-by-side. Take a walk. Play a video game. Color. Not having to look each other in the eye typically promotes comfort with silence and greater honesty; plus, it'll prevent you from feeling like there's pressure for you to talk.

Nonverbal cues are also essential. Sitting openly (arms uncrossed) demonstrates a willingness to listen. Try leaning forward, being attentive. Give little “Mhmms” “yeahs” and “ohs” here and there (authentically) let’s the speaker know you are engaged. Nodding is also important and often happens naturally.

Avoid “yes/no” questions. Open-Ended Questions allow your conversational partner to express exactly how he/she is feeling. “Yes” and “no” pigeon-holes them into your assumptions. “I” statements help the conversation flow too.

As a way to demonstrate that you are fulling engaged in the conversation, and that you are making a genuine attempt to understand. Paraphrase. Repeat what they have told you, but in your own words. This also provides the opportunity for any misunderstandings to be cleared up.

Most importantly: Be Honest! Be direct, communicate your desire to help, ask for their help (it takes two to tango, and ultimately it’s their life), and communicate your limits.